How to Prepare Emotionally for Moving In Together

Taking the next step in your relationship by deciding to move in together can feel exhilarating and anxiety-inducing. On one hand, you get to go to sleep and wake up next to the love of your life; on the other hand, they may have some secret single behaviors you weren’t privy to beforehand. Some say that once you live with a partner, the mystery in the relationship fades, and before you know it, it can start to feel like two souls simply existing in the same space rather than living together as one.

As the 4B and Vegan movement continue to gain traction on social media apps like Instagram and TikTok, one of the questions that has single women in a frenzy is, “What is it like living with a man?” To which women in relationships did not shy away from answering:

• “Don’t do it, ladies, I beg!” – Mykeisha Michelle

• “I can barely stand it. It seems trivial, but after 20 years, I still can’t stand it!” – Wild_rose80

• “Living alone is the ultimate. If you live with a man, they will raise your cortisol constantly, and you will become a slave and a shell of your former self.” – watermelons

• “They are slobs! Point blank, period. You will be cleaning all the time! It used to drive my mother into a rage with my father!” – Thess1217

• “The burping and coughing are insane. Loud peeing. Farting, complaining, and wanting sex on demand.” – 444

Related articles: Does Living Together Before Marriage Strengthen or Ruin Relationships 

The above comments are just a few of the 327 left on that creator’s video, and it had me thinking, “How can we prepare emotionally for moving in with a significant other?” It may come as no surprise that men will often leap at the idea of living together with their partner, even before an engagement or marriage. This is because men are likely to spend their lives in an unconscious dance of emotional dependency.

When they are young, they depend on their mom. As teenagers, they depend on their friends and mom. As they enter adulthood, the goal is to seek out a partner to replace the work that mom does. Men are typically bouncing or projecting their feelings onto others, looking for validation, which is why going from living with mom to living with a girlfriend is not an issue for them. 

They need their ego stroked, and who is going to do it when they live alone? Men who are always seeking emotional regulation through external sources will have no problem partnering with their significant other on something like a lease or mortgage and living together before you’ve both had a chance to experience one another in separate spaces.

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“Separate togetherness is a term I coined many years ago to describe a couple who lives in separate places but is in a monogamous relationship. The average man cannot comprehend or appreciate peace; it will often trigger their fight-or-flight response, leaving them to get up and walk around, engage in unnecessary banter, or just make noise in general for attention,” Lisa K. Stephenson, author of The Snows of Khione, shares.

“If you are in a relationship, it is always best to lead separate lives—live apart from one another until marriage. Once you are married or engaged, consider buying a place together; however, don’t dismiss the idea of having separate bedrooms and bathrooms.”

Unlike men, when a woman lives alone, something profound happens to her emotional landscape. She begins to develop what scientists call emotional autarchy. Emotional autarchy is the ability to process, understand, and regulate emotions independently. Your nervous system becomes more sophisticated in its ability to handle emotional complexity.

Related articles: What is a Healthy Relationship Like? 

When men are young, they are taught to explore their options early in life, settle down by the age of thirty, have kids, and buy a home. Women, however, are taught to find their prince charming as early as twenty-one, settle down, and have children. Why is it that men are encouraged to make such life-altering decisions past the age of twenty-six when their frontal lobe is developed, but women are advised against it? As women get older, they learn more about men, which lifts the veil and makes them less appealing.

The more exposed women are to men’s inner thoughts, the less likely she is to choose a relationship and/or marriage. It makes you wonder—were men taught to speak less and do more, or that expressing emotions was wrong simply to keep them from revealing their true desires, knowing those desires might repel women?

Most men want the freedom to live polyamorous lives while still having one wife, raising their children, and splitting the bills. If they openly admitted these intentions, would they still have the opportunity to continue their lineage?

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Whether you’re moving into a mansion or a cozy one-bedroom apartment on the Upper East Side, it’s important to make time for yourself. In an episode of Sex and the City, Carrie and Aiden move into her one-bedroom apartment together, and at first, things are a bit rocky—so much so that one night she comes home and asks Aiden not to speak to her—lovingly, of course. She just needed a minute to decompress, which is completely normal, and you should be sure to carve out this time for yourself as well.

A fun fact that I learned recently is that while some people on social media apps appear to be genuinely sharing relationship advice, tips, and tricks, most of the content is being filmed in their cars. This could be because they reside with a significant other and can’t go inside to lie.

Emotionally, you need to be selfish with your time and space beforehand so this does not catch your partner off guard once you are both living together. If you request time off from seeing your person during the week or require prior notice before getting together for a date night, then it’s safe to say that once you’re living together, that practice will continue.

Related articles: Micro-rejections in Relationships: What They Are and How to Handle Them 

It’s generally not a good idea to take such advice from content creators—commenters, yes, but the creators themselves, no—because they are motivated by virality and cashing a TikTok check. There is no other incentive to be honest and genuine in their storytelling and advice. To retain your sanity and continue being the best version of yourself, do not allow your partner to take advantage of you, your body, or your time. Set boundaries because that is important, and your future self will thank you for it.

Good luck on this next chapter in your life, and feel free to tell us all about it.

by Danielle Wright
Image Credit: Craig Blankenhorn - © MMIX New Line Productions, Inc