How to Make Up for Hurting Your Wife

Relationships are hard and seem to be getting even harder now that many of us have to compete with the illusion of options that come from social media or other forms of entertainment. It’s easy for a woman to share a post online about going away for vacation and coming home to a filthy and unkempt home, or for Stephanie from The Resilient Jenkins to share her story, only to have the comments telling them to leave their husbands.

Let’s not forget the Ruby Franke documentary, where her husband sobbed as he recounted the story for a Hulu documentary, Devil in the Family: The Fall of Ruby Franke, while Twitter users all seemed to be saying that he should have left his wife long ago—questioning how he could possibly still love her after what she did to their children. The moral here is that until you experience love, you’ll never really know how to forgive—whether that’s yourself or your spouse.

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Marriages require proper communication, trust, a ton of forgiveness, and thoughtfulness. On top of that, you both have to decide to wake up each day and continue to choose one another, no matter what others may believe is best for either of you. But now you’re here because you’ve hurt your wife. Whether you’re in a same-sex relationship or a heterosexual one, know that no two relationships are alike, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach when it comes to a woman and her emotions.

You need to know your wife—her likes and dislikes. This can be anything from her favorite kind of clothes to wear to how she likes to do her hair, down to the things she hates doing or having done to her. In order to properly solve this dilemma, we first need to understand what you did to hurt your wife. Below are some possible problems and their respective solutions:

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CHEATING: There are levels to cheating—emotional affairs differ from physical affairs. If your physical affair led to the conception of a child, then it’s safe to say that you need to allow your wife the space to move on. However, if this was just an emotional affair—maybe you’ve returned to work and somehow got caught up with a co-worker, working late, going out for dinner and drinks after your shift—whatever it is, you can come back from this.

First, you need to take accountability and accept your mistakes and where you went wrong. This is not the time to act stubborn or think, “I’ll wait for her to calm down” or “I’ll see if she says something to me first.” Unless you don’t care about the outcome of your relationship, then sure, those options are feasible. But if you do love your wife and wish to repair things, then you have to take the initiative to show her you’re sorry.

Cheating is one of those things that’s hard to come back from because, as women, we tend to replay those moments in our heads like a broken video recorder. Although we weren’t present during the cheating, we will try to piece those moments together, only further inflicting pain on ourselves. So think before you decide to physically cheat on your spouse and take precautionary measures to prevent it from happening.

Furthermore, if you genuinely made a mistake and wish to atone for your actions, consider upgrading her engagement ring. As mentioned earlier, you need to know your wife. But one thing is universal: all women love jewelry. Here is where you can find tips for shopping for engagement rings.

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LYING: Some may say this is minor, but it all depends on the lie itself. No one likes being lied to because it demolishes the trust between you and your partner, and if they can’t trust you, loving you will also be a challenge. This will eventually drive the relationship apart because now she’s asking for your location to be shared, for you to check in when you’re out, or pouting when you tell her you’re going to spend time with friends.

All in all, lying to your spouse will make for a hectic marriage filled with a mother–son dynamic that is unhealthy for both of you. So what do you do if you lied to your wife and got caught? Well, again, you take accountability and explain to your wife the reason behind your lie. People lie for many reasons—maybe you wanted to avoid an argument, or you thought the truth would be too hard for her to handle. Whatever the case, explain this to her in great detail.

SLACKING OFF IN THE MARRIAGE: It happens. We work all day, come home, and just want to relax, watch some TV, or scroll on our phones. The problem with this is that your partner is entitled to feel loved and appreciated by you, and vice versa. Ignoring their immediate needs to play video games or prioritize your computer and lounger is not a good indicator that you’re a hands-on partner.

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Much like men need and want their physical needs met, women need and want their emotional needs met. If you come home and she’s been with the kids all day and needs a break, give her one. Or before having a lot of children, come together and decide how many you believe you can both comfortably handle. Think of it like this: you shouldn’t have more kids than you can successfully raise alone.

With that being said, another issue could be that you said something in the heat of the moment that hurt her feelings. This isn’t uncommon, especially after working a long day or dealing with an unhealthy amount of stress. But you need to acknowledge what you’re feeling and work through it, not around it. Allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to recognize that something is wrong, and come together to find a solution. Most importantly, always apologize to your partner.

by Danielle Wright