Dating an Intimidating Woman

So, here I am, sweating, fresh out of a spinning class. I am trying to find the best and politest way to cite my opinion without coming off as egregious or factious. Millennial men, what’s going on? I want you to talk to me. Time and time again, I meet a man, and after a few conversations—maybe one or two meetups—I get the inevitable text message: “I mean…you’re intimidating, and I don’t want to have to play catch-up.”

Now, this statement is coming from men between the ages of twenty-seven to thirty. Let me get this straight: I am intimidating because you see that I have a career, I am ambitious, I have a place, and maybe, just maybe, I have a little resting bitch face situation going on? Anyway, please grow up and spare me the nonsense.

Granted, I have an ugly past when it comes to men, but I refuse to allow that to define who I am today. I am a woman who is intelligent, diligent, and, dare I say it, nurturing. It would be nice for men to simply learn to appreciate such a woman rather than viewing someone of my caliber as a threat. Perhaps these men do not feel “needed” in my life, and even though this may be correct, gentlemen, you are “wanted.” I am human, and I yearn for companionship just like any other human on this planet.

Related articles: The Role of Self-love in Attracting Healthy Relationships

Besides, I am a single woman residing in New York City, living in a two-bedroom apartment. You think I like lifting heavy boxes and assembling furniture as though my name were Bob the Builder? Hell no! Not to mention that little pink toy I purchased from Romance and Things can only do so much, and batteries are expensive! TMI? My apologies.

I’ve rambled enough—let’s get to the nitty-gritty, ladies, and figure out this dilemma together.

HOW TO LOOK APPROACHABLE TO MEN
As aforementioned, a sister has a little resting bitch face situation going on, especially a few days after I get my eyebrows microbladed. I was looking extra ROUGH. But despite sometimes giving off an energy that screams, “Don’t fuck with me!” I am a very down-to-earth and amicable individual.

This “unapproachable” look can even be derived from clothing. Now, y’all know I am all about a good fit. But since when do clothes define a person? You would think that me taking pride in my appearance would attract a man, not send him heading for the hills. But contrary to popular belief, men like a woman who can look phenomenal in something laid-back, which is why many men have no problem picking up a woman at the gym: she is dressed casually and, 9/10, in her natural state. Moving on…

Related articles: How To Keep An Alpha Male Interested

ASSERTION
My boss bitch, alpha-woman tendencies—I am a LEO sun—will only rear their ugly head when needed. Situational awareness, people! We must be consciously aware of our surroundings always and understand that there is a time and place for everything.

I do stand firm in my statements, I do like to educate others, and I love to offer advice to my peers. That should not, however, cause anyone—man or woman—to feel that, when pitted against me, their voice cannot be heard. My words are my weapons because, with an inclined vocabulary such as mine, that is typically all you need. But what separates me is that despite all of this, I am a woman who is open to change, and I value the opinions of others. Listen twice, speak once—that’s my motto.

MISUNDERSTOOD
I cannot stress enough that I do not need anyone to validate my authenticity because I know who I am as a person. But social media has brought on even more judgments and false interpretations, so that even before meeting a person, we think we already know them. This is false! We should not be using social media as a way of judging someone’s character. I have spoken to men who have initiated contact with me via DM, advised ME that I am bougie, and told ME what I do and do not like.

“Wait, huh? I like chicken and waffles, say what?” I don’t like that? I posted a pic because I was trying it for the first time. But the way my diet is set up, I was harping Dreamgirls - One Night Only out of the restaurant. Keep in mind, this is a small example of just how wrong people can be about someone’s personality based on social media and one or two conversations. Pre-judgment is not playing fair at all!

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COMPETITION
Reality check! Some dudes will tell you you’re too intimidating because the reality is he doesn’t like the idea of any competition. “Wow, look at that body and romp…on that beauty right dere.” He will bask in your physical beauty, telling himself that the more attractive the woman, the more likely she is to have her pick of men. Newsflash! I do not want my pick of men—I want the dude who I find attractive, who I let sit next to me right now.

Can we all just chill? My advice here, though, is if he doesn’t have the self-esteem and confidence needed to get past the power differential—because let’s face it, beauty is power—then move on. Now, I wrote this because I am genuinely feeling let down by a lot of men, especially the ones who allow themselves to tell me that I am too intimidating. What exactly are you expecting from me after that? To dumb myself down? To pawn my belongings? Maybe quit my job? Botox my face? If we can get past the exterior, then maybe we can all be happy in the end.

by Lisa K. Stephenson